Sunday, 21 July 2019

Tears, Tantrums & TTC

TTC - Trying to Conceive. 

When I was growing up thinking about the future, never in a million years did infertility cross my mind. Of course, I had heard all about it  - but I never really thought it would effect me. How wrong I was. 2 years ago (pretty much to the day), me and Kal decided it was time to start a family. I have known for so long that I wanted to be a mum but wanted to do it when I was settled with someone I saw myself with for the rest of my life. The decision wasn't taken lightly - would we afford it? was it something we were both set on? what if things went sour? - but after answering as many questions as we could think of we decided we were ready (as ready as you can be for your life to change forever). Now obviously this blog post means things haven't quite gone to plan - and I can tell you now, it's been an emotional rollercoaster.

(Flowers my mum bought me after I spent an hour crying because someone we know is pregnant. I wish I was making it up.

So, a bit of a back story - I was on the pill from the age of about 16 until we made this decision. All in all, roughly about 6 years. When we had both decided this was what we wanted, I did the sensible thing and called my GP and knew that it wasn't going to be instant. The pill could take a while to fully get out of my system, I mean, 6 years is a long time. As the first couple of months went by, I was excited and incredibly hopeful. Although each period still came with a little disappointment (and pain, oh my god the pain!) I still had the giddiness inside me, that soon, we would get what we wanted. Unfortunately, that faded by about month 6.

I can't quite remember when we first went to the GP for advice (possibly about the 1 year mark) but I can tell you, I have never been shot down so much. We were laughed out of the dr's room and told all the usual about how we haven't waited long enough and we were still young and healthy. From here on the disappointment just grew. I did ovulation tests, I did numerous pregnancy tests and I fell down the trap of reading forums of other hopeful 'TTC'ers. This has all gradually been stopped because quite honestly, it gets too upsetting and it's just not healthy.

Back at the beginning I would watch YouTube videos of people taking pregnancy tests and getting positives - I enjoyed seeing their happiness and dreamt of the day it would happen to us - how will we announce it to people? Will we do a gender reveal? The list went on. Now, I can't bare to watch them because I just cry (and I mean really ugly cry). That doesn't even include the heartbreak every time someone announces they're pregnant and I have to congratulate them while holding back tears for as long as I can. As happy as you want to be for them, it's hard when you want nothing more that for it to be you. Don't even get me started about when we moved into our new build - petition to strike out the 'New house, New baby' comments for all eternity?!

Fortunately, (or unfortunately depending on what kind of day I'm having) we are now at the 2 year mark and are finally being allowed tests to see if there is a problem. It hasn't come without troubles though - after already waiting 2 years, we were told we could have tests, then told we can't because we were now out of area and have had to re-register elsewhere and start the process all again. This week we will finally start having some tests done and although I'm eager to get answers, I'm also petrified of what they might be.

For the longest time I have wanted to keep this quiet. I have cried quietly (or loudly) to Kallum and my mum behind closed doors and told no one besides our immediate circle (and I'm literally talking parents and siblings). Now I'm at the point where I don't want to keep it in anymore and I don't think I can. Why should it be kept quiet after all? Maybe there should be more awareness and then people would be more sensitive? It's a hard journey and that's ok.

So, until our time comes - I will continue to keep you updated (for anyone who cares), continue to cry every time my period shows (I mean, it's painful enough as it is) and continue to have a tantrum (ugly cry included) every time I see a pregnancy announcement. Fingers crossed this series doesn't last too long.

Disclaimer: This blog post is in no way sponsored and all opinions and photographs are my own.

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