I don't like me TTC

Saturday, August 10, 2019

Don’t get me wrong, I have never been the life of the party. My friends will vouch for me when I say, I’m most fun when I’m a bit mardy and end up drinking a whole bottle of wine to myself in less than 2 hours (queue the spew). With that being said - I’m definitely not the person I was pre- ttc and if I’m honest with myself, it’s not for the better.

As I mentioned in my first TTC post - when we agreed to 'start trying' I hadn't put much thought into how much trying it might actually take. After all, I know people who it took 1 attempt with (no judgment guys, I'm just bitter!) so why would it be any different for us? We prepared for life to change forever but not like it has.

In the many ugly months of TTC I’ve gone through some equally ugly stages. I’ve refused drinks and a good time with friends ‘just in case’ and then beat myself up about it because I’ve felt like a failure when it wasn’t ‘our month’. I’ve wanted to cut off the world and hide myself in bed. I’ve become obsessed with all things baby and I’ve judged people hard for having what I want. That doesn’t make me a nasty person. The pain of the unexplained unfortunately overrules our lives at the moment and I can’t just switch that off. How could that not change you as a person?

As I mentioned in my previous post, it’s a good month if I don’t ugly cry at least once that either a) my period is here or b) someone we know has been blessed with a baby. Those feelings are so raw and I wish they could be stopped but it’s just not that easy. I’m more irritable, more emotional and exhausted than I have ever been and it’s horrible for not only me but the people around me too. The truth is I hate it but right now, that’s life.

Having a baby should bring joy and happiness and I will hold on to that hope for as long as I can. For the longest time I have felt so alone - as if it’s not confusing enough to be scared that’s something is wrong with you or your partner but to also have your brain full of questions and feelings that you’re hiding inside because of fear of judgement or embarrassment - that’s what changes you. It’s time to speak out - I don’t want to be ashamed anymore and I just need people to be patient. To all my family and friends, I love you all so much - no matter how hard it gets or whatever the outcome may be - please just remember that. I'm still me, just a little different.

Disclaimer: This blog post is in no way sponsored and all opinions and photographs are my own.


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