Fertility #3

Wednesday, August 5, 2020

On to month 4 of no progress and believe me when I say it doesn't get any easier. After my last post our clinic announced on June 10th that they were reopening for patients in a certain bracket - we didn't meet any of the requirements to be seen at that time unfortunately so we had to hang tight a little longer. Then on July 3rd they announced they could pretty much start seeing everyone again and that if we hadn't heard from them in the 3 weeks following to give them a call for an appointment and/or info. Well, 3 weeks came and went and we didn't hear a peep - I gave them a call on the 27th as advised but was then told we were on the list but wouldn't hear for another 3-4 weeks and no sooner. What we still don't know is whether we will even be given an appointment date when that phone call comes as our next step is Kals SSR procedure and I know not all clinics have restarted those due to staffing and COVID.

So, here we are, just over a week has passed and I thought I was okay until another pregnancy announcement popped up. 
That doesn't get any easier either. 
I silently cried myself to sleep last night and didn't wake up feeling much better. The ugly cry came today when I'm home alone and have time to think. No matter how happy or excited you are for someone, it never quite outweighs the heartbreak you feel yourself. We've watched people have 2 babies in the time we've tried for one. People who were never even considering having children when we first started trying have gotten pregnant and had their bundle of joy already and it hurts to watch. Your mind races with all different questions - 'why not us?', 'why do they deserve a baby more than us?', 'what if our time never comes'. I can't help but feel like we must not deserve a family of our own and it's devastating. At first I thought I was oversensitive and just bitterly jealous but as time goes on (and we're just over 3 years in now) I'm starting to realize it's okay to feel like this. I'm not a horrible cow for feeling a pang of heartache because someone else is living my dream. This journey is long and difficult, you need pure patience and every little piece of control is taken away from you. The excitement quickly disappears and I'm certain I've cried more tears in these last 3 years than I have in the other 22 I've been alive on top of that. 

For anyone else going through this I just want to say, please never feel on your own. Don't ever feel like you're wrong for feeling the way you do. Believe me, that aching feeling in your chest after seeing an announcement is real. It's okay to cry. 

I'm not sure if or when we will get our treatment but for now I just need some time to let myself feel sad because this last month has been tough. I'm also preparing myself for the possibility that when treatment does start we might not get the outcome we want anyway - either from Kals SSR or from the IVF itself. Either way, our future is in our clinics hands and all we can do is wait.

SSR - Surgical Sperm Retrieval

(All information in the blog post above is as correct as I know it to be in our area and situation)

Disclaimer: This blog post is in no way sponsored and all opinions and photographs are my own.


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